Seen and Known

Instilled Within Each of Us is a Deep Desire to Belong

“The Lord knows those who are His.” 2 Timothy 2:19

Though I had not seen anyone telling me to ‘stop,’ there had clearly been someone. When I realized what I had done, I glumly mouthed, “I’m sorry”—not expecting a reply. My window was down and as I passed, he looked right at me and said, “Yeah right.”

Maybe it’s because I had already had a tough morning, but his cynicism pretty much ruined my day. If he really knew me, he’d know how truly sorry I am! I thought. If he knew me, he’d know I’m not a selfish jerk.

Worrying over how others perceive me has always been a weakness of mine. I’ve had a deep desire to be known going as far back as my childhood—and not just known about, but truly, deeply known.
While some in my family would rather fade into obscurity standing in a crowd, I desperately want to be sought out. Not in a “Oh, look, there’s Vanessa! Let’s get her autograph” kind of way—but in a way that assures me I belong.
I’m the one who can feel lonely in a room full of people (even though I have no trouble conversing with strangers). It’s a loneliness that stems from feelings of unbelonging.

For the longest time, I just assumed I must actually be an introvert. But a study of First John revealed to me a fear of rejection instead.¹ That was an ‘aha’ moment for me, but I really didn’t know how to “fix” or change it. Even more recently, I learned there’s a name for my behavior—the wounded extrovert. Years of rejection, in various forms, direct and otherwise, have made me quite “risk averse.” For many years, I gave up on pursuing friendship and withdrew into the security of the one relationship I trusted implicitly—my marriage.

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Divine Appointments

In the fall of 2023, our youngest son’s troubles with school had hit a crescendo. Concerned, our district’s newly hired social worker called to arrange an appointment. However, unlike other school staff we had developed relationships with, like counselors and psychologists and principals, this woman had intentions of meeting with us at our home. Rich was out of town for work, so I welcomed her in alone.

She asked many questions, but surprisingly, few were about my son. Instead, she wanted to know about me. What do you enjoy doing? What’s something you do just for yourself? What kind of support system do you have? What about friends? This one made me pause. Outside of family, I don’t really have friends, I told her. Why not? she gently asked. I searched for an answer, but the truth is, I didn’t know why exactly.

It was time to pick the boys up from school, so we scheduled to meet again the following week. Alone in the car, I felt a flood of emotion come over me and escape through tears. My teardrops articulated what words could not—she had made me feel seen.
I may never be sure, but I believe this had been a divine appointment lovingly arranged by God. Just three days after this meeting I received a call from the school to explain that she had resigned (abruptly and without reason). She had only been with the school around three months, and I never saw her again. But that solitary meeting had been a gift from God. That conversation revealed how truly alone I felt in the world. And after years of praying for authentic friendship, my heart was ready to receive His answer.²

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The Perfect Gift Giver

In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis describes divine love as ‘Gift-love’ and our love for God as ‘Need-love’—a love that takes and offers little or nothing in return. Lewis says, “But man’s love for God, from the very nature of the case, must always be very largely, and must often be entirely, a Need-love.”

This isn’t a selfish act on our part, for it accurately depicts our situation. “We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves,” explains Lewis.

A friend from small group shared a recent revelation she experienced. She told us that she realized that in all her myriad relationships—with her husband, her children, her friends, her father—she is able to clearly see different attributes of God. And how disappointed she becomes any time she looks to one relationship to fill roles designed for another relationship. She realized that God created these various connections so that through them we can not only experience the various ways He loves and cares for us, but so that we can also learn that it is only God who can fill every role perfectly.

As Lewis described, God’s love is Gift-love and He knows exactly what (and who!) each of us needs to grow and mature—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. When I receive a gift, more than the price tag or even the item itself, what matters to me is how well known it says I am.
It probably explains why my ‘love language’ is words of affirmation—to receive these means my innermost self is seen and known.

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Known by God

There is something really special about being known by God.
Wait. Doesn’t God know everything and everyone? you might ask. Yes, yes He does. However, in the Scriptures, the Hebrew word ‘yada,’ which is often translated ‘know’ in English, means much more than simple intellectual knowledge. As is often the case, our English language fails to capture the entirety of meaning behind Hebrew words.

As well as being translated “know,” the Hebrew word ‘yada’ is also translated “chosen,” such as in the ESV, NIV, and NASB translations of Genesis 18:19.

“For I have chosen (yada) him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him.”

We also see the word ‘yada’ in marital relationship between Adam and Eve in Genesis 4:1, however its translation depends on which Bible you use.

“Now Adam knew (yada) Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain…” (ESV)

“Adam made love to his wife (yada) Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain.” (NIV)

And David uses ‘yada’ six times in Psalm 139 to describe his personal, intimate relationship with God.

For example, the first and twenty third verses:
“O Lord, you have searched me and you know (yada) me. (v.1)
“Search me, O God, and know (yada) my heart (v.23)

As seen above, ‘yada’ is used in several contexts; in each case however, ‘yada’ is used to express a covenantal relationship. It’s an intimate knowing. A relational closeness. Twentieth century Jewish theologian, Abraham Heschel suggests that yada includes “an act involving concern, inner engagement, dedication, or attachment to a person. It also means to have sympathy, pity or affection for someone.”³

And it’s this kind of knowing Paul had in mind when he reminded the Galatians of their intimate, personal relationship with God:
“Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but a son… Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles?” (Galatians 4:6-9)

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Being known by God is to be chosen, set apart, adopted, and favored. It is to be set on a path that transforms our minds and hearts into the likeness of His Son.⁴ It is to enjoy fellowship and oneness with our Creator and spiritual brothers and sisters.⁵

Therefore, knowing God matters, but being known by God is of primary importance. And this is the longing I have felt deep in my heart—though for so long I looked to others to fill it. As J. I. Packer wrote: “What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that He knows me.”

It is the ultimate belonging. In his prison poem, “Who am I?” Dietrich Bonhoeffer equates the idea of being known by God as belonging to God in his final line: “Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!”⁶

In my Father’s warm embrace, I am known—fully, deeply known—and loved,
and a daughter.
With Him, I will never face rejection, for with Him, I belong—like I have never belonged anywhere else.

1. It’s amazing how God uses His Word to reveal things to us—not only about Himself, but about ourselves. It really is alive and active. The study I used (What Love Is by Kelly Minter) asked a question regarding enjoying the fellowship of Christ’s body—and what prevents us from doing so. (1 John 1:3 “We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ.”)

2. In the same year—six months apart—I was invited to two different small groups of women from my church. That I barely knew the women who invited me is proof to me that these invitations were God’s answer to my prayer. I wrote about one of these groups ministering to me when stress, worry, and exhaustion over my youngest son was at an all-time high in the essay: Faithful Friends: What it means to be in the Body of Christ

Faithful Friends

3. Skip Moen, Ph.D. “Hebrew Word Study: Yada, Yada, Yada” September 20, 2010.

4. Romans 8:29 “For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son…”
and 2 Corinthians 3:18 “And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

5. “I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” John 17:22-23

6. I learned a lot about what it means to be known by God from this excellent article written by Dr. Brian Rosner: Brian S. Rosner, "Known by God: C.S. Lewis and Dietrich Bonhoeffer," The Evangelical Quarterly 77.4 (Oct.-Dec. 2005): 343-352.

Read Bonhoeffer’s painfully honest poem here: “Who am I?”